Tulips.com 2009 Bloom Map by RoozenGaarde!
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  • by Glen on Dec 7, 2011 at 11:31:48 PM Long Box Lagniappe #6

    Alien Judgement #1
    1992

    Apparently Chris Rivera self-published three? issues of this comic in the 90s. On the copyright page he thanks his favorite artist, Todd McFarlane. These facts will give you some warning of the "pleasures" to come.

    The first story is Ground Zero, part one of the eponymous Alien Judgement. On page one we see that an alien spacecraft is approaching Earth. Thus the "alien" part of our title. We learn that alien spacecraft look like tricked out SUVs. We also learn that the U.S./Canada border is visible from space.

    On page two we see that the alien spacecraft separates into two pieces as it enters the atmosphere. One part lands in a city and the other part splashes into the water.

    On page three we see a naked guy with a gay ponytail. This is presumably our alien because he talks in a funny alphabet. Said alien is confronted by four members of the cities criminal class. They assume that the alien is going to be easy prey for robbery, probably because of the gay ponytail. One wonders where they think he might be hiding valuables. Nevertheless, the four thugs move in to the attack. One of them holds back long enough to enlighten us with the immoral line, "I'm such a sucker for a dogpile!" Their leader, whose nom de guerre turns out to be Slice, runs into a knuckle sandwich from the alien. Grr.

    On page four the alien beats the crap out of all four of our thugs. Dogpile Sucker amuses us with a further bon mot, "Come to daddy!!!" In panel one Alien Guy continues to talk in Funny Alphabet; but violence must be good for the speech centers of the brain because by panel three Alien Guy has started to speak in English and by panel five GRRRR.

    On page five "the air crackles with light" and Alien Guy does his phoenix impression. When he emerges he is wearing movement inhibiting shoulder pads, possibly to give him a handicap whilst fight puny humans, a knife? on his thigh, and a Dust Buster on his back. We learn that the art on this story was produced by Chris Rivera, the lettering was scribed by Alysha Malone, and that both of them are responsible for the story. By the way, Grrrr.

    On page six we move to "somewhere over the Atlantic....." A helicopter is coming up to the E.C.S. (Extraterrestrial Crash Site?, Extremely Creamy Soup?, Episcopalian Church Service?, Extraordinarily Crap Story?, Epileptic Creature Syringe?, Epidermis Cream Sponge?, Extremely Colorful Sturgeon?, Echidna Clavicle Spine? Eustachian Catapult Sauna?, Excelsior Crazy Stan?) Colonel Petrie smokes a big stogie and informs the Gents that there are large quantities of an unknown element in the waters below. Grr?

    On page seven we meet the Gents. Their mustachios may not be regulation but I doubt that Colonel Petrie's skin tight shirt is regulation either and holding your cigar in the same hand as your gigantic hand cannon is definitely not S.O.P. The Gents jump into the water. Yippee! They find the space capsule resting on the bottom. Gr.

    On page eight Alien Guy returns. He is dangling Slice off of a 30 story building. Slice is crying. "Where I am from I could kill you for shedding tears..." Slice agrees to help Alien Guy in return for Alien Guy not shooting Slice in the face. "Order will be restored, and law will bring peace to this planet." Thus the "judgement" part of our title. In the final panel the alien capsule at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean has burst from inside and pieces of the Gents drift aimlessly on the tide. Gr-huh-huh-huh. Help!

    To be continued........ Oh goody!

    The second story in this issue is part one of Strike Force G. Drawn by, Written by, Inked by, Created by, Chris Rivera. © 1992. On page one they call him Dirk. He is a techno-cyborg. He has a pistol with an extraneous magazine that he fondles. He has some kind of shoulder injury. He is the leader of the Jammin Gerbils. Grrrr.

    On page two we meet the other members of the Jammin Gerbils: Squeaky. (Grrr.) Cuddles. (Grrr.) Cat. (Grrr.) Trigger. (Vogue.) Their mission is to "invade Jack's Country Kitchen and blow the Rebel Roaches off this planet." We also learn that Chris Rivera should never be allowed to letter his own comics. Group Grrr.

    On page three we learn that anthropomorphic gerbils fight anthropomorphic roaches on your kitchen counter. They shoot wildly at each other, furballs!, whilst hurling unimaginative epithets, shell belly!, at each other. Grrr x 10.

    On page four Cat squeezes a roach's head. Grrrr squish! Cuddles chastises Cat, "After we get butt we have to clean up!" It appears that the Jammin Gerbils will have to "get butt" later because Rebel Roaches Reinforcements have arrived and Dirk is nowhere to be found. "What happens next? (Who cares.) Tune in next issue! (No!) Need we say? (Please don't.) To be continued (Arrrg!)

    On the inside back cover we are graced with a pinup of another Chris Rivera creation, Midnight Raven. © 1992. Midnight Raven is a typical 90s superhero. He has weird bulgy muscles and mutant anatomy. He has shoulder pads that he stole from a football player. He has a weird cape made out of strips of something that violates the laws of physics. He has a mask that covers his mouth so that Chris Rivera doesn't have to draw him going Grrr all of the time. He has feet that are conveniently hidden behind stuff. He has one hand clenched in a fist. He has one hand reaching to claw your eyes out while his pinkie daintily extends. The background doesn't make any sense. Rob Liefeld's lawyers called. He wants his suck back. Mmph.

    Chris Rivera states that Todd McFarlane is his favorite artist. Unfortunately Chris Rivera leaned how to draw from Rob Liefeld. In the introduction Chris Rivera puts out a call for an inker. From some of the art it appears that what he really needs is an eraser.

    "That is all well and good", I hear you say. "But is the comic any good?" Well let me tell you. Good is not the word for this comic. I have nominated this comic for inclusion in 1001 Comics You Must Die Before You Read.

    All together now

    GRRRR!

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    • on Apr 10, 2015 at 2:14:45 AM Dan Price

      Since this blog post was written in 2011 and it doesn't look anyone has posted since 2013, I don't expect a response, but I do want to take a moment to tell everyone how important this comic is, at least to one person.

      I don't know how long ago you picked up the book, but I bought my copy in 1992 at a comic convention at the hilton on gulf freeway in Houston. I was 16, image had just made it's first big splash and Chris did what so many kids talked about doing, he actually made a comic. 3 of them. on his own. when you are a kid whose whole goal was to draw comics like me, that's hardcore.

      I didn't know him before that day, and yes, the comic was sophomoric and by 2011 standards it's completely dated, but it was at the time a very strong attempt to being contemporary, where everyone shoulder pads and pony tails. I don't think you tear this comic apart with keeping in that he was probably 17 or 18 when he did this and there wasn't print on demand at the time. Hell, people really didn't know how to put a book together. No one was doing anything local and indie in the Houston area. a year or two later, I started seeing people self-publish, but at that moment, to me as a kid, it was unheard of and I was impressed.

      I ran into Chris again in college where we both artists at a local screen printer. His art was getting very good by that point, should have be a pro within a couple of years, but then he disappeared again. I hoped he went to to make it, because that guy, despite what you say about this issue (his first back in 1992), had talent to the core.

      This book by Chris Rivera and Space City Comics in Nassau Bay run by Kevin McKeckney (sp?) and DJ were all very responsible for me to finally do my own book years later in 2007 when I was 30. The years that I worked on Latex Avenger and Masters of the Obvious were absolutely amazing. My first book in 20017, Latex Avenger #1 was absolute crap. But I hope when people read it they remember it was the beginning of my career and that shit got better over time. If you didn't see issue 3 of Alien Judgement, know this, it got much better as it went on.

      Now if the comics get worse over the years, not better, then we worry...

      Just another side of the coin.

      Best, DP

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