Tulips.com 2009 Bloom Map by RoozenGaarde!
Tulips.com 2009 Bloom Map by RoozenGaarde!
Tulips.com 2009 Bloom Map by RoozenGaarde!
Tulips.com 2009 Bloom Map by RoozenGaarde!

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  • by Glen on Nov 6, 2011 at 11:54:08 PM Long Box Lagniappe #5

    Amazing Fantasy #15
    August 1962 (reprint August 2002)
    Stan Lee, Steve Ditko

    The origin of Spider-man is the classic super-villian origin story. The smart kid who enjoys reading and is good at science is ridiculed by the popular kids and insulted by the school sluts as they ride off to do unspeakable things to the entire football team. Then the unpopular kid says something overly dramatic like, "Some day they'll be sorry! - Sorry that they laughed at me!" Then the laws of the universe are broken and the unpopular kid gains physically impossible powers. The supposedly scientifically literate unpopular kid takes these violations of the universal verities in stride and justifies them using the most wooly headed magical thinking. To test his new found powers he puts what appears to be a pair of his aunt's pantyhose over his head and torments a professional wrestler. This soon leads him to putting his powers to use making himself loads of cash. Then one day, "I'm thru being pushed around - by anyone! From now on I just look out for number one - that means - Me!" Thus is born the amoral super villian. The rest of the comic is totally unbelievable.

    And by the way, Spider-"MAN", I think that is being a bit generous.
    1. Peter Parker is still in high school.
    2. Peter Parker still lives with his aunt and uncle.
    3. Peter Parker's aunt and uncle still bring him crackers and milk.
    4. Peter Parker is still a virgin. Quod erat demonstrandum.

    P.P.S. What is the deal with Uncle Ben? He always has a disturbing smile on his face and in the first panel that we see him Peter is in bed and he is fondling Peter in a way that CPS would find objectionable. Then he is "killed" but we never see the body. The third law of comic book plotting is, if you don't see the body then the person is not dead they are just biding their time and plotting revenge. Personally I think he got his revenge when he invented instant rice.

    The back up story is called "There Are Martians Among Us!" An alien spacecraft crashes on Earth but the crew is nowhere to be found. An unrelenting search is underway to find the aliens because obviously they are hostile. People are urged to stay indoors. A month later the search is still on, people are still urged to stay indoors, and the economy somehow hasn't collapsed. Now we meet an average couple with strangely grotesque hands. They are frightened but they must leave the house to TCB. The wife is attacked in a dark alley. The husband returns home to discover her missing. But wait! They are the aliens! What a twist! Call M. Night Shamalamadingdong!


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